Wife Seeks Advice on Handling Brother-in-Law at 50th Birthday

A woman in Massachusetts is facing a volatile situation as she prepares a surprise 50th birthday party for her husband. Her husband's brother, a man who has a history of physical altercations with her spouse, intends to show up uninvited. The couple has been married for more than 20 years. The brothers live far apart, but their relationship is described as toxic despite a daily phone habit. The sister-in-law notes that whenever the brothers are together, the brother gets drunk and initiates fights. He typically starts by hitting her husband and saying cruel things about the wife. The last time the brothers gathered was at their mother's funeral. That event was marked by a dispute over money and control. Since that funeral, the brothers have barely spoken. The wife prefers to avoid seeing the brother again. She sent invitations to close family and friends for the upcoming birthday event but left the brother off the list. A friend of the husband informed the wife that the brother found out about the party. The brother plans to attend. The wife told the friend to convey that she does not want the brother at the event. She fears the brother will call her husband to ruin the surprise. She also worries her husband will feel bad and insist on including his sibling. Everyone who knows the brother agrees that his presence is a risky idea. The wife asks if she should invite him and tell him to behave.

Columnist R. Eric Thomas advises against trying to manage the brother directly. He notes that the man has proven himself to be unmanageable. Thomas suggests the wife prepare for likely scenarios instead of spending energy convincing the brother not to cause problems. He identifies the first scenario as the brother calling the husband to spoil the surprise. In this case, it is fair to ask the husband to reconsider the invitation. The wife can cite the history of name-calling and violence. The party is a gift from the wife, and if the husband wants to celebrate with his brother, he should find another time to get together. The second scenario involves the brother showing up at the venue. Thomas suggests enlisting friends and other family members to help chaperone the brother. Approaching trusted people in advance to mind the brother can reduce anticipatory anxiety for the host.

A second reader from Georgia asked about a neighbor's plan for his son's college tuition. The neighbor said his son would use the address of an uncle in Ohio to qualify for in-state rates at a large university. The reader called this cheating. The neighbor mumbled that big universities do not need the extra money. The reader asked if she should tell her cousin who works in admissions at that specific school. Thomas said the plan is perplexing. He explained that an address is not enough to prove residency. The Ohio State Administrative Code requires supporting documentation. This includes voter registration and a sworn statement from an employer proving the parent works in the state. If the child is a dependent and the parents live in Georgia, the plan will fail. Thomas advised the reader to stay out of it and let the state's safeguards do their job.

A third reader wrote in to thank Thomas for a previous answer about a tall man tired of height comments. The reader's late husband was 6-foot-5. When asked about his height, the husband would say 5 foot 17 inches. This answer usually got a laugh. It also prompted the question if he played basketball. The husband would answer no because he was too tall. This response stopped further questions. The reader said the tactic kept other inquiries at bay. Thomas thanked the reader for the laugh. He noted the effectiveness of the husband's witty retort in ending the conversation.